Tribute to Rabid......

One of my favorite bloggers is the Rabid Runner. What exactly she does for a living, or whom she professes to be matters not to me. She just fascinates me. Upon blog surfing this evening I found out that she dislikes this time of year. So, in hopes of making this holiday season go by without any snags, I thought I would nominate myself to nominate her, who would then nominate Cartman, who would nominate someone at Target to give out "Shopper's passes." Now, these being like most passes received in elementary school have to be monitored because as we have found through history and the second world war, people just have to be micromanaged. You have to take "authority" when giving someone permission, especially shopping. I myself found, that women with children become especially nervous at retail shops this time of year, and I can totally see why, I mean how do you explain to your children that there are different Santa's at every store you go to? I mean, that's asking for trouble. Anyway. We have all witnessed Cartman, in action he is greedy, self centered, cheesy poof eating, cat hating, Kyle teasing, and is a spitting image of shoppers during Christmas. Now go out there all you Rabid in heart and testify to the true behavior of the holidays and only give permission to those who deserve. After that, they must respect your authority. Happy Holidays.

A word from my sponsor

I have been chosen to write 7 random facts about myself, and write them on my blog. I am curious why anyone would want to know more. But here it goes, thanks McMillan girl for making me write more about myself. I doubt it will be as interesting as the Rabid, she seems to have coined the market on Random and funny. Here it goes:

Random fact #1

I went to school one day in the fourth grade after having made a sandwich. That day, like usual I peered through my closet for something interesting to wear. As usual, my creativity was met with hysteria when I realized that a mini skirt and fish nets was way too cumbersome for the fourth grade. Wedge shoes were not appropriate for the very taxing game of hopscotch I was currently sweeping the entire elementary school playing, I was undefeated. The old standby creeped it's way onto my changing body, the red jump suit with maroon racing stripes down the side. Polka dot socks, a paisley scarf, and hideously fantastic 1980's hightop la gear sneakers. I continued to get ready and made a sandwich for school from a can that I thought said TUNA! The entire day as I moved Tim collings, and everyone else who sat next to me gagged. I had made a sandwich out of sardeens, and spilled some of the oil onto my clothes without knowing. My nick name that year was sardeena, with a puckered face and holding nose as to avoid smelling.

Random Fact #2

For the sixth grade talent show, a group of neighborhood girls decided to do a talent review. We practiced over and over, it was flawless. The day before the talent show, we decided that the attire would be black biker shorts and hot pink shirts tied at the waist. I also had a fantastic pair of wedge shoes that were hot pink as well, so I decided to wear them. The next day I showed up for the talent show with my group. They all were wearing very nice dresses, and had their hair done like movie stars. The other part of the costume was to RAT our hair. Needless to say all eyes were on me. I still think it was my fierce talent that made them gasp.

Random Fact #3

I hate reptiles. I am understanding of all living breathing things....accept reptiles, they do not make sense to me, I have a rodent problem, so they are obviously not doing their job.

Random Fact #4

When I clean my house I speak in a different accent. Sometimes I am from Australia, and round up all the laundry like cattle on a ranch. Somedays I am from the deep south,"Waayee Aui'm nawt shua Bessee, I think the caaah's v bin Muiked." My favorite accent is Hilga's. She's the naughy house keeper.

Random Fact #5

If I was forced to marry a person of Hollywood, and move to a secluded island, I would choose Johny Depp. If I could choose a person to look like of Hollywood, it would be Fergie.

Random Fact #6

At the very impressionably age of 19 I looked old enough to get into any club in New York City. I freqented drag shows for an entire year, and have the equivalent eye shadow collection to prove it. That extended brow/multisparkle eye shadow is really just for Drag Queens, I wonder if that would count as a tax write off if I donated all my makeup to a better cause...

Random Fact #7

Favorite Quote: "My cat can eat a whole watermelon." Reuben and Ed.

I really think everyone is tagged, or as Rabid would have it Blagged, or Togged. Thanks Rabid.

Trick or skate dude.

This year, I decided to go trick or skating. I thought it was a fantastic idea. However, the neighbors did not. With my latest obsession with all things retro I was looked, no, frowned upon as my I cruised through the neighborhood in my nineteen seventies skates. I decided to get wheels that flashed lights as I perused through the park. that also created a scene. I am not sure if it is because my costume was so authentic that even those who I tried to fool knew I was up to something. I mean what is wrong with wonder woman on skates? Everyone else was a fairy or a witch, there were wings, and daggers, too many pirates, if I might say so myself, and last but not least, bat men's and spider mens. I mean why is it that as soon as an adult has a little Halloween spirit the entire town gasps?

I guess they just don't see the beauty in a little skin on skates.

Respect the Meat!

Did anyone watch my name is Earl?

http://www.nbc.com/My_Name_Is_Earl/video/#mea=165676


watch it! If you need a laugh, this should do it. If you need background, you can watch the whole episode at:

http://www.nbc.com/My_Name_Is_Earl/video/episodes.shtml

Enjoy!

Dove Onslaught

I worry about girls. I remember being 6 years old and being quite aware that I didn't measure up and still don't. Somehow everytime I watch this video I have some hope that the Dove campaign will change the world.

Doggie diapers for the less considerate!

Pardon the detour from my usual writing material. However, my new neighbors have two dogs whom they walk to do their daily routine. They walk them over to my yard and the animals deficate in my front yard. Don't get me wrong, I adore animals and I really like dogs. However, I don't have dogs, because I presently take care of other beings and must clean up their fecal matter daily. So in order to stay sane, I choose to keep animals whom have very little daily clean up. Who are they thinking is going to pick that up? They walk them on leahes, if I were standing right there watching them would they clean it up? If a tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it does it make noise? I thought of getting a bag and colecting all the remains and putting it on their door step...do you think that is too rude? Or should I be polite to someone who obviously thinks no more of me than to clean up after their dog's poo!

Team Name:

KZSW TV 27 Roller Derby Divas 010407

Here you go ladies, are you really ready for this?

Finally the truth has spoken!

I am plagued by PMS. It is just like any source of power accept it has no outlet...the PMS that is.
If you click on any of the video's to the right, you will see my new fascination. My favorite in particular is the one from the 1950's. No wonder the women of that era were perfectly put together with a smile on their face and dinner ready for spouse. I propose we all start our own roller derby tournament. For it to be successful, I recommend we only compete four days a month during which we are most Volatile. I have designed outfits, with a Giant P on the from in pink and black. I am sure our spouses would make great refs, and our children would fit right in with the crowds.

The flowing, artistic movement of my otherwise passion seems to be failing in keeping things in perspective during this time, so I will be looking to this outlet for the time being. If you are not yet sold on how it will work, I will keep you posted, and I am sure you will join just before you ovulate.

Why so many clothes on a three hour tour?

Perhaps the skipper and his crew really made being stranded on an Island look entirely too easy, maybe we never really saw a true portrayal of struggle so therefore we are like blind mice being led into an ashen forest? Their biggest challenges were finding out where the professor had hid the money, and why the beauty queen was never seen wearing the same outfit twice. I never saw an episode in which they could not eat, or were close to dying from dehydration, and couldn't boil the sea water because they had no fire. I also don't remember seeing Mr. and Mrs. Brady fighting over who was going to take the kids to day care, or how they were going to afford to feed and pay their insurance premiums. The beaver never got teased because his dad was a pansy, and his brother was a bully. The only show I have ever watched that portrayed people being happy in the midst of real struggle was Lassie...but then again, I have never seen a dog frown. I guess one could argue that little house on the prairie was a genuine depiction of struggle, family unity and working through hardship. But that was a time when you actually could reap the harvest you sewed. Is that something I can relate to now? I wish sometimes that me and my children could harvest what we eat and work together as a family. However, as we check out groceries in the market we look not only at America's most privileged royalty, we look at the signals that will be very strong to ourselves and the generation we are preparing for the very world we live in, and work so hard to be happy in. I look around me and people are working around the clock, to be happy, to take care of their needs, and the things they own. But then, I remember little moments, fleeing moments within the struggle that remind my little soul to keep pushing forward, that it is in-fact rewarding. That every single moment of my life is important. I may not know it in the moment,...but some day as with many stages of my life, they find clarity, meaning, and sometimes inspiration to another. It may take time, but I will look to comedies for the time being. Anything that is a fairy tale must stay far away, unless it is about an ogre and a princess who was banished for being ugly. Am I jaded? Am I bitter? Or have I just lost the final stage of innocence and discovered that the most precious things in life are what you work your guts out for. Your relationships, your children, and that dream you will never let go of from childhood.


I feel better now.

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Watch out frumpy munkies, were comin to get ya!

Before attempting a make-under it is important for me to emphasize that results are not typical, some divas may experience rashes, hot sweats, saddle bags, lack of energy, schizophrenic episodes and over all bowel dysfunction and depression. Oh and you may attract the same sex, or men without teeth in wife beaters and big tattoos. (not that there is anything wrong with these individuals.)

Step one: Replace your designer hand bag (even if you bought it at walmart) with a 1980's over-worn fanny pack purchased at a thrift store. Preferably one that smells like second hand body odor, and cigarette smoke.

Step Two: Apply make-up on Monday, and don't wash your face until Saturday. Just keep applying more make up and mascara, if you are going for real authenticity, keep the mascara smearing underneath eyes until Friday.

Step Three: Throw away any supportive underwear...that's right, dingy sports bras and ripped lacy underwear will be sufficient. Hopefully you will have no shape underneath a T shirt, if you dare to go bra-less, do it!

Step Four: The tightest, highest waist-line pants in your closet need to be dusted off and put on. Remember having to lay on the bed to zip up your pants? That's right repeat that process and you are almost Made-under.

Step Five: Change your vocabliary...shoulduh, dunnit, overta, and all the improper ways of explaining things are a MUST to be authentic.

Step six: Get rid of your flattening Iron, stop doing your hair and shaving your face!!!! ( and other body parts, couldn't mention them, this is family friendly reading!) DON'T wax your eyebrows and over draw your lip liner and wear metallic pink lip gloss. If they blend you have put too much on, you must see the very definable line drawn above the lips.

Your complete! If this doesn't work...well, maybe yer jest perddy!

Welcome BB or Barbie Babe, Bambi beauty....welcome

It is with great excitement that I announce the commencement of another Blogger to the skating society. BB otherwise know as Biker Babelicious, is joing us with a similar passion, without the similar trade. That's right folks, we have another female among us telling tales of wonder, bravery, and shear love of a craft. Everyone please welcome BB...her true identity is unknown, but her passion is commonly enjoyed by all who can remember their first big wheel or tricycle. I too remember combing my hands across the leather attached to the ends of the steering wheels.


Welcome...may you find a support within our little mecca of passions.

Yours truly,
Xanadiva

Pum pum ch ch ch ch!

The prelude to my day began with a very annoying alarm that my cell phone plays repeatedly. 5 am comes early, with great intent and fierce dismay I exit my very comfortable, very warm bed. To put on a very tight, very oppressive situation otherwise known as a sports bra. Some people can buy the walmart 5 dollar special, not this skating diva, I must buy the most high tech, nearly steel plated contraption, and pray that I will be able to insufflate correctly. Leaving my home today I did not know what awaited me at the gym. I saddled up to the precor xmx 454 and began my usual cardio exercise. My mp3 player begins with a nice quintet, preferably Brahms, then eases into a little gangster rap, and then we go full throttle, and bump things up with William Orbit. It's fast, it's repetitive, and well, it usually impels activity in my limbs. Pum pum ch ch ch ch, is beckoning in the ears, when what to my wondering eyes should appear? A man to the right within the very dedicated group of runners on the treadmills and what do I see?...MAN BOOBS. You may be thinking that this particular fast paced running diligent was over 300 pounds. No he was a svelte 190 with floppy, over active bouncing beautiful man boobs. I watched them, studied them and before I knew it I was transfixed, motivated, and confused. Feeling a little bit dirty, needing a shower, I directed my attention back to my own work out. Then giggled silently to myself. The list of things that then raced through my head were endless. The repetition of the bouncing and it's onomatopoeia will forever be an inspiration to me. No support, no bra, no fear and definitely no ignominy...I am forever in debt to him. For his stellar way in which he didn't support such a beautiful b cup, without stupefaction. I then feel trapped and unable to expire a breath worth anything, my bra has begun to stultify the very mechanisms that perpetuate, sustain, and renew life...my lungs and diaphragm!!! (please pronounce the g) ::Take just a moment of silence for him, and include him in your thoughts, and prayers:: I wonder if he is still young and just doesn't know what them boobies will look like in about 15 years, when gravity, lack of elasticity and time has taken it's toll. I am not sure if I should tell him, or just pray he is at the Gym tomorrow, so I can study them again....fascinating.

Job research.

After further research of the demands facing skaters in the professional world, I have decided that an all exspense, tax deducted trip be taken to new york to see Xanadu life on Broadway, in the Helen Hayes theater. That's right folks, one of the big screen's greatest moments has been written for the mecca of live Theater...Broadway! In the gift shop you can purchase leg warmers that KIRA had!!! I'm freakin out, I am in suspense, hopeing that my credit card doesn't get declined when I call and book the tickets. Most exciting is that Kira is played by a very talented young lady who starred in the original broadway production of Hairspray...yeah, we'll see if she can skate though. The jury is still out. And one more issue of concern, I mean, how to you hear Olivia singing the theme song for so many years and then just switch to listening to someone else? It'll be hard, there might be tears, both of sadness and utter excitement...we will just have to wait till we get there to have a post for that!

If you would like to join me in my job research, and while we are there do a little shopping, eat out a lot, all while I deduct it from my yearly earnings on my taxes just let me know, the more I spend the more I deduct, no probelm. I know many of you are as passionate as I am about the future of the skating Diva, and all action must be taken to ensure I have all materials, and information to succeed. Maybe I can schedule an audition while I am there. I have prepared a new piece to "She Bangs" by Ricci Martin. It's libidinous; perfect for those liberals in New York City!

An uncanny resemblance to Olivia

I have been told that I have a striking resemblance to Olivia Newton John, except I have brown hair, tower over her by half a foot, out weigh her by a lovely 20 or so pounds, and have a completely different shaped face. Never the less I think what they really see, or rather hear, is our similarities chiming away in lovely harmony as we rock out with John Travolta and Gene Kelley. Where is my ELO CD anyway? And did you know Rush did a cover of Xanadu? I really like that band, off to Itunes I go!

Blah Blah schedule Blah!!!!

I teach private skating lessons 2 days a week. However in the summer it becomes more days a week and really more of a pain in the ass than anything. Because my clients children have to be good at everything and go to the best summer camps, ride the best horses, speak more languages than God, and carry this all out while becoming Olympic quality skaters, I become a disposable, on call waitress who is skating around at Sonic asking if they want more fry sauce. OR at least that is how I presume they feel about me by the way they expect me to snap my fingers and accomodate 15 people and their schedule that most adults can't even commit to. Here's the truth and I am just gonna say it...how about you just allow your kids to be good at a couple things instead of everything. How about instead of going to Peru, the Bahammas, on a cruise or whatever...you go to the park and run around with them, turn your cell phone off, not worry about how you look, say screw it and get a bucket of KFC even if the neighbors may see you eating more than your daily intake of calories in one meal. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH I am bored, bored by the need to be good at everything, and look perfect at the same time. Here's a perfect example of what peole do to do be good at something and be happy at the same time. As A child I chose to be good at skating. I chose to not be on sports teams and never be able to go out and party, wasn't popular because I didn't hang out with the jocks or the drama geeks. And I chose not to be a good skiier...made a concious decision, why? Because I recognized quite early that in order to be good at something it took work, and well, I wasn't that passionate about it to work that hard. SO I hung out with the kids on the easy slopes talked to myself in a british accent, explored, and spent so much time having a good time by myself that I didn't miss the nerosis of being good at it. It just wasn't my thing. I decided I would be mediocre and ski by myself so that something in my life could be FUN that's right folks, I am completely selfish because I put my enjoyment before the ego of everyone around who could revel in my success. You see, no one cares if you are an over weight skater who looks aweful in those stupid tights. They want you to fulfill an image and be more than good at everything. Balet, soccer, horse back riding, basketball, student government, the school play, skating, voice lessons, and lets just throw a little piano in there. Hey...can you be good at all of it? Most successful people attribute their success to determination, not being well rounded...so what is the point to my blog, I am not quite sure. But I think my neighbor has figured everything out. She just makes sure that no one see's how much she drinks or smokes, hides all her husbands porn, talks badly about people when they are not there to defend themselves, is overly opinionated about everything accept to your face. Makes sure she only tells the hoodies like me that she was an ex-stripper. And well, she is miserable, and everyone thinks she's happy, because she seems to have her fingers in every single soufle she can, and looks perfect...if only people lived in glass houses...

The complete recording of a despising diva

This morning I woke up and realized I have exactly four years until my career needs to be in full throttle...I turn 31 in just two short weeks, and well, lets face it, I have a lot of work to do, and absolutely no time to do it. So I will blog about nothing really...maybe my time would be better spent listening to recordings learning music or what not. Oh well, this is my new space in the universe to state exactly how I feel about life's little disruptions, and well, be comedic, political and however I want to feel and throw it into space and have others read and giggle and then make stupid comments as well. This is a safe place for those who want to make no sense, say their true opinions and be silly without feeling crazy. Please, enjoy and anything comedic is more than welcome on this blog.....YEAH!!!